An Open Letter to Love

Dear Love,

I have been meaning to talk to you for a while. But you just exist in so many places and so many things that I couldn’t figure out which version of you should I talk to until I realized maybe you’re the same, it’s my perception of you which changes.

You have made me laugh and you have made me cry and you have had your moments where you have also said goodbyes. You have been kind, patient and sometimes you have made me reckless. You have been there in the form of family, friends and boys but most importantly you reminded me that I need some of you for myself.

You have taught me that you can mean different things to people, for some you are a person, for some you are their work and for some you are food! But over the years I have been trying to find what you are to me. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

I think when I was a toddler I only see love from my parents. Love then meant “someone who got you what you wanted”. My parents looked after me and they took care of me, I never ever saw the bigger picture, the sacrifices or the commitments they made, and that’s okay. As long as, I saw them and I got all my favorite toys, I was happy.

When I became a teenager, things became a little more complicated. You created delusions. I thought you were “something I never felt before”. I fell into your trap, but now I know you were only teaching me how to grow up and how to be more mature. I didn’t know this back then. So I spent years trying to change everything for that one boy who would never appreciate me. I was almost the smartest in my class but I always thought I had to be more skinny, more fairer and more outgoing to deserve you. And the worst part is, even thought you made me see the worst in me, I didn’t want to let you go. But that wasn’t you was it? You were only trying to teach me what you weren’t and I so naive, I didn’t learn that lesson.

I came to college, you put me through ups and downs again. You taught me someone who only sees the best of me isn’t you. You taught me someone who loves only my tangible parts isn’t you.

That’s when it dawned on me. You aren’t all of you until I am all of me. And from that day on, I started being all of me. It wasn’t easy, I am flawed. Not easy to love. Quite damaged. But I tried. I tried until I finally found the slightest presence of you, within me. And you whispered, “you only let the ones in, who know the real you”. Thank you.

You played until I think I finally met you. The you, who loves all of me. I am still trying. But I accepted me and that’s how you knew that I was ready for you, the real you.

And then I met you. The you, who loves the good and the bad, the kind and the sad. I treated you bad, but he always came back. You didn’t stop me and neither did he and that’s when I knew it was really you. My quirks didn’t bother you. You appreciate them. Thank you.

However, I am glad that you completed me. You taught me how to grow, not with just other people but with me. It’s been a journey from not wanting to look in the mirror to looking at myself and being proud of who I am. You also taught me that you will always be constant in some ways, not always. For me, that has been my parents, of course and writing. Writing, at first I thought was an escape but now it feels more of a way to connect, to you and to me. It’s one of the ways I express I love myself. Thank you.

Over the years, you have taught me lessons. Some painful but most of them happy. You have shown me what it means to truly let go. Sometimes you have tested me. I have let you change me. Sometimes for the better and sometimes I have become someone else who isn’t really me. And that has been the most important lesson, that I shouldn’t be becoming someone else for you. I will only see the true you if I can be me, honestly.

You have taught me that to earn you, I will sometimes have to compromise. But you have also taught me that the love I have for myself should define the compromises I am willing to make and the risks I am willing to take. And I took my time to learn that.

I think you wanted me to learn from my mistakes rather than handing me the best the first time. And for that I am thankful, because not only you taught me to love everyone else but first you taught me love myself. Thank you.

Regards,

Always your keeper.